Petroleum‑Visuvious Nasby Presents:
The Modern Whiskey Scandal (Starring a President Who Doesn’t Drink)
by Greg Rank
A battered oil‑can‑shaped podium creaks as Nasby, clad in a tattered Confederate‑MAGA coat, a red “Make America Great Again” bandana, and oil‑stained boots, saunters to the microphone.
“First, our illustrious commander‑in‑chief who, I assure you, has never once lifted a glass of bourbon has withdrawn from a slew of international agreements faster than a leaky well runs dry. No consultation, no hearings, just a swift flick of the presidential pen. It’s as if he’s saying, ‘Why bother with treaties when we can just pour the oil straight into our own pockets?’”
“Next, the White House East Wing once a proud bastion of bureaucracy was demolished despite a chorus of public protest. The only thing louder than the demolition blasts were the cheers from the lobbyists who finally got a bigger parking lot for their limousines. A true masterpiece of ‘build‑it‑up‑and‑tear‑it‑down’ governance.”
“Our fearless leader has also issued rules without any public comment. It’s like announcing a new oil tax at a family reunion and then disappearing before anyone can ask, ‘What does that mean for Grandma’s garden?’ The only comment we got was from the echo in the marble hallways of the Oval Office.”
“In a bold move that would make any oil baron blush, inspector generals were fired on a whim, without notice. No severance, no exit interview just a pink slip slid across the desk like a fresh slab of crude. The only thing left to inspect now is the president’s own motives.”
“The National Labor Relations Board has been paralyzed. Its gears grinding to a halt while the administration pumps up deregulation. Workers are left standing in the mud while the president’s cronies ride gleaming rigs straight to the finish line.”
“A staggering $3 trillion in domestic and foreign aid has been frozen. That’s enough to fund a fleet of oil tankers, a handful of moon bases, and still leave a tidy sum for a private jet fleet. The only thing colder than that money is the reception it received from the people who actually need it.”
“Education institutions and law firms have been singled out for retaliation. Universities that dared to teach a little critical thinking have been slapped with audits; law firms defending unpopular clients have been placed on a blacklist. It’s a modern‑day version of the Whiskey Scandal, except the whiskey is replaced by regulatory bans and budget cuts.”
“The administration has ended gender‑affirming care for minors, a policy that feels as out‑of‑touch as a 19th‑century temperance lecture at a saloon. The only thing more confusing than the ban is the president’s claim that he’s ‘protecting families’ while simultaneously cutting Medicaid for 17 million Americans to hand out trillion‑dollar tax breaks to the top 1 % and $900 billion to corporations.”
“Let us not forget that President Grant’s second term was marred by a Whiskey Scandal, cronies siphoning Treasury funds and a notorious ‘whiskey ring’ that turned the White House into a tavern of corruption. Today we see a modern Whiskey Scandal where the president doesn’t even drink. The spirit of graft lives on, only now it’s distilled into executive orders, budget freezes, and a relentless assault on the very institutions that keep our democracy lubricated.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, the evidence is as clear as a freshly drilled oil well: a leader who withdraws from agreements, razes historic wings, issues rules in the dark, fires watchdogs, paralyzes labor boards, freezes trillions, targets schools and law firms, and denies care to the vulnerable, all while promising to release the Epstein files that may or may not even exist.
The only thing missing from this cocktail is a splash of honesty. Until that happens, we’ll keep watching the modern Whiskey Scandal unfold, hoping the president finally decides to pour himself a drink and maybe, just maybe, a little truth along with it.”
Nasby raises an empty glass, tips his hat, and exits the stage, leaving a lingering scent of oil and satire.